Home » Entertainment » Carnival » MIAMI CARNIVAL FOR DUMMIES VOL 4- THE 2K13 EDITION




Ahhhhhhh boy….Look ting.  Miami Carnival has once again returned.  Seems like most of my perennial ride or die padnahs not making the trip this year (Ah go deal with dey ass in this too just fuh spite) but it’s alright. My real liming padnah going with me, so allyuh could go suck monkey stones. Don’t need allyuh no damn way.

For those going (If this is your first time, Welcome to my 2nd Home.  If you’ve been before, welcome back), there are many things that you must and mustn’t do in Miami.  It’s not to say that a macco squad is gonna be walking around watching your movements eh, but NOTHING IN MIAMI STAYS IN MIAMI!  Plus since Miami Carnival Weekend has started to resemble Miami Memorial Weekend now, for some reason things are seen a lot more. This is just some things that yuh ass need to remember & know for Miami Carnival.  I’ll try to link the previous year’s do’s & don’t. Some may be a lil repetitive cuz they don’t change.


1.   Lemme start with those who aren’t going.  I know there are some that are some people that truly just don’t want to go or feel like they outgrew the whole Miami thing…I understand. There are those that want to save the money to go to Trinidad for Carnival….I understand.  There are those that can’t take time off of work…I understand.  But for those making all kinda excuses cuz you can’t afford it….In 2013 there is no shame in saying that you’re broke.  We’re in a recession…the gov’t is shut down…ppl with advanced degrees are working in Wal-Mart & department stores. Doh bullshit nobody, say yuh doh have it.  Now I want allyuh to walk stand where you are, spread your arms out, tilt your head back & in the loudest voice you can push out, SAY IT LOUD……I’M BROKE & I’M PROUD. Now wasn’t that liberating? Thank me later

2.   Be careful of pre-Miami friendships.  Lemme explain.  What happens normally is sometime after Memorial Weekend, people start to hang out. During June, they start to text and plan to link up in parties.  By July, they start to lime by each other house a lil bit. Meet a few family members.  Go to every party together. By August, they’re planning to play mas in the same section on the Parkway with FreaksNY. They’re rolling like a full-fledged clique now. They’re inseparable.  They start to talk about Miami. By September their kids are calling each other Aunty _____.  Miami accommodations have been set. They’re staying together, they’re flying down together, they get a rental together, they’re playing in de same FreaksMas section together.  Then they reach down there and they’re actually “living with the person for a while”. You start realizing they might be a lil promiscuous or they’re untidy or (this is the #1 thing) they say “When we get back, I’ll give you the rest of the money for everything” & yuh know they hand like it have arthritis when it’s time to pocket dig.  The trip goes from Thursday drinking Call-A-Cabs together, to Monday “I can’t wait to get away from this bitch” syndrome.  Then they reach back and all the secrets they were holding for each other start to come out & then they hate each other. Then war start, and subs start pelting on social networks. Seen it hundreds of times.  Doh say I eh warn yuh

3.   Wet Willies Call-A-Cab is the official THOT juice in Miami (for those my age group and older, hit the Urban Dictionary for a lil explanation).  Doh be surprised if while you’re caught drinking one, or 2 or 5, a man try to offer you a lil change to go to his ‘Telly” & so you can do something a lil “strange”!

4.   Rentals…..Every year I have to talk about rentals.  I am nobody’s accountant or banker.  I don’t know what you have in the bank from what you don’t.  You are in Miami on a lil getaway (it’s not really a vacation).  Normally I say things like don’t rent a Benz if you in a Corolla at home and shit like that.  This year I’m gonna change my stance a lil bit.  If you happen to rent a very nice car….Doh be driving up & down the strip mean mugging like you own de damn thing.  We all know it’s a rental.  And also, park up on the strip. You know you really want to.  But just to show off you burn a tank of gas driving back and forth on Ocean Drive so ppl can see you.  You burn yuh tank of gas if you want for ppl to watch, YOU ASSHOLE……I go be on de strip drinking and enjoying my day.  Oh yeah and those that rent convertibles…..You are not allowed to fake floss in a Chrysler Sebring drop top. You have failed in life for that…FYI

5.   For the lil older heads that’s been out there for a while….Doh cuss and carry on bout the young people being out there too much.  Remember bout 10-12 years ago, that was us & the older heads was cussing too. Give them a lil bligh.  But to the younger ones…..remember, this is a Caribbean Weekend thing….not the damn Source Awards. Act like yuh did get a lil licks with a pot spoon or guava whip at one point ah time in yuh life.  Pull out a lil accent like my bredren Trinidad James (Respect to the Homie tho)!

6. Drivers….When venturing around the city of Miami there’s one piece of important information I need you to understand.  Miami only has 3 nice parts really, South Beach, North Miami Beach & Coconut Grove (some small parts in between and ting too).  It’s not the nice place that you see on postcards.  Make sure you have a working GPS if yuh don’t know yuh way.  You really don’t wanna go sightseeing jusso.  Allyuh watch the First 48?  That’s the areas yuh ass go end up. And definitely……DO NOT, I repeat DO NOT make any left exits off the I-95, anywhere between like let’s say NW 80th Street & about NW 45th Street, without being able to cross a Causeway.  That shadowy place there is called Little Haiti. I don’t need to say any more bout that I doh think.  Forget all that I’m from NYC gangsta shit, them Zoe’s down there DIFFERENT. Plus they turn street signs in there to get yuh ass lost. You may end up walking back to the strip in yuh jockey shorts & with 2 hairpins holding up yuh hair. That is all.  Know where yuh going & don’t think bout calling me for directions….Cuz I sending you right up in the Pork & Beans NORMEHL. I want to enjoy my trip too. (Jade you get an exception on that part).

7.  Fellas, allyuh doh have to be overly thirsty in Miami to get a lil beat.  Something bout Miami air does send a lot of these chicks into heat.  It’s like ah aphrodisiac.  Take yuh time and move smart. Yuh will have more box in yuh hand than if yuh was working in a pack juice factory.  Remember yuh have a lil competition. Smart & slick is de name of de game.  Ladies…..well I eh go help allyuh here.  My name is man. Not gonna help allyuh blank de fellas dem.  But whatever allyuh doing, please NO BARE KNUCKLE BRAWLING! Protect yuhself.  I tell ppl all de time, if yuh bout to put some licks on a ting for the first time, do that shit with the lights on.  Fellas, watch de cat good. Ladies examine de lolo.  Make sure yuh eh seeing no bumps and doh let them fool you with that ”oh it’s just a razor bump” shit.  Rule of thumb, if it shaved and the pubic area look like the back of a Nestle Crunch….BOOTS TO DE DOOR ONE TIME. If de smell make you buss out speaking some kinda unknown language when it hit yuh nose, take da f*ck off. It have people going down there with “Alphabet Crotches”. Allyuh know what that is?  They have STD’s: Hepatitis A, Hep B, Hep C, HPV, Gonorrhea (de old one that anti-biotics does cure & de remix new one that prayers self cyah even help), Syphilis, HIV & what I does call “Allyuh In Deep Shit” aka AIDS.  Once again, you’ve been warned.

8.  Party Comps…Ah go deal with de Ladies first on this.  De past 3 years before this, I done explain to allyuh how yuh coochie credit for a comp does work.  Check de link from de last 2 years and it go explain it to you.  But because of ting last year, promoters hadda switch their game up a lil bit. Keeping a party in Miami is not like keeping a party in NY.  There are different things down de road that have to be dealt with, that sex cannot help to pay. Though it is a personal gain, it’s not a financial gain.  So sex is no longer getting you in a party.  It may get you a free pass or drink for an appreciation party when we reach back, but in Miami bills have to pay. Most promoters don’t have the bar & if all you offering is a cute face, a smile & a bess juggu juggu……it eh go wuk this rounds.  Fellas, if yuh respect yuh padnahs, slide a lil money by de door for dem (other promoters excluded cuz yuh know how we does roll, it’s a fraternity).  If yuh really have love for yuh Homie, yuh will understand what it takes to do a party down there.  Respect de hustle, cuz really what the hell do you do to help a man make a dollar all year. Yuh vex with that last part?…..Oh well. Remember allyuh does bawl Real Recognize Real!

9.  Dressing….I’z a man doh really check a person for brands and ting. Wear what yuh want, look nice and be comfortable doing it.  I doh care if yuh clothes from Bergdorf Goodman or Bobby’s clearance rack…I will never get on a person for that.  But please allyuh, in Miami wear something complimentary to your size. Ladies, I going hard on allyuh for this yet again.  There is nothing more disgusting than to see your fat ass belly hanging out cuz yuh feel some man gonna like it.   Understand too that cellulite can be prevented by covering de damn thing up. If we doh see it, we doh know.  Those types of fellas that like that are in the minority. They are easy to spot tho.  Look for the man and dem that don’t look sick after seeing you cross with all your glory out.  There are ppl eating and drinking on the strip.  Doh have them checking their gag reflex or worse, in this day and age of social networks and pictures, have you exposed all over the internet.  You may laugh it off in public, but #webeknowing deep inside you feel like shit. The attention is not what you want or need.  Dress appropriate to your size. Nobody can tell you a word after that.  If you toting a 200lbs & yuh friend is ah kinda 120lbs…doh try to buy anything, not even ah slippers, in the same store as her.

9a.   Fellas if you really have time to talk bout or post bout what a next man wearing,  with all the women that are down there for you to watch….you hadda be gay.  Yuh’s a man that must like to lime by a tu tu shack….simple.  Drops Mic…..ain’t shit left to say about that

10.  DJ’s….Since the creation of serato/scratch live everybody is DJ this and DJ that.  Your bookings should be taken care of from before you leave your where ever you are living.  Reaching to Miami and begging to slide on a cast is not a good look ever.  If you know you are not working anywhere in Miami, when you reach yuh condo, plug up your computer to de tv in your condo/hotel or the entertainment system and well…..entertain yourself and house guests.  It’s not no shame that you haven’t gotten a booking for Miami.  The market is tough, but I love allyuh spirit!  Everybody has a time & your time, please God, will come.  Avoid the embarrassment of showing up with your laptop where you aren’t wanted.  Go in like a regular party man, watch what the cast is doing and get pointers to see how you can get yourself there next year.  OFFERING TO PLAY FOR FREE JUST TO GET ON A CAST IN A PARTY WILL HAVE YOUR NAME ALL OVER MY INSTAGRAM….. Allyuh know I doh business, so you have been warned!

11.   Finally, the most important thing is to go down the road and be safe.  I want everybody to reach there safely, have a GREAT time & reach back home safely.  Be responsible in Miami.  If you are drinking, don’t drive. Call 305-777-7777 they will take you anywhere, just make sure you have de change to pay them.  If you are by a pool and can’t swim, stay in the shallow end.  If you are looking for tickets for the best parties in Miami, link me on the strip Thursday from 1-8pm I got you.  If you don’t know what I look like, look for ah ugly, very tall, skinny fella with big ears.  I hope everybody reading this has their Euphoria, Darkers, Shine, I Am Soca, Red Eye, Maddy Pool Party, Glass House & Au Revoir tickets or you plan on collecting them soon (Other promoters doh dig no horrors, it’s a team ting).  And I hope allyuh register for the best J’ouvert band in Miami, CANBOULAY, already. And it’s not biasness eh, but allyuh not in our band, FREAKS MAS 10, slap yuhself immediately (just had to throw that in LOL. Big up Fusion Carnival & Big & Strong). Enjoy your trip an when we reach back, we go crack all the jokes about it.  One Love…..Bless


Here’s the link to Miami Carnival For Dummies 2K12 in case you missed it:  http://caribwall.com/miami-carnival-for-dummies-vol-3-the-2k12-edition/

This is the 3 links for Miami Carnival For Dummies 2K11. Yeah that year it was plenty to talk bout. LOL:  http://caribwall.com/miami-carnival-for-dummies-2k11-edition-pt-1/  http://caribwall.com/miami-carnival-for-dummies-2k11-edition-pt-2/ & http://caribwall.com/miami-carnival-for-dummies-2k11-edition-pt-3/

And the 2K10 is on my FB page somewhere. I can’t find it. Oh well. Enjoy!


It felt great being back here boy, I eh go lie

Catch allyuh again soon,

De Shit Talk King




******Follow me on Twitter & Instagram@DaSkinnazzzz or link me up on FaceBook: Skinny Just Skinny

2 Responses so far.

  1. Neeks says:

    LMAOOOOOO @ the following:
    1. yuh know they hand like it have arthritis when it’s time to pocket dig. (STFU Skinny I hate you because I really pictured a hand with arthritis. Steups)
    2. You are not allowed to fake floss in a Chrysler Sebring drop top. You have failed in life for that…FYI (why ninjas gotta be failures though? I friggin hate you because I literally LOL’d!!)
    3. Act like yuh did get a lil licks with a pot spoon or guava whip at one point ah time in yuh life. (I can’t with friggin YOU!!!)


  2. Neeks says:

    And doh even let me even go there with you on the shaved pubes looking like the back of Nestle Crunch bar!!!! Damnit I can’t stand you!!!

Leave a Reply